I realize I have no posted in over 21 months, but I feel it is time for me to fill this spot again. I know it may seem that I only come here to vent or post when I am troubled, and yes, that is true. However, it does help me to do so and in turn, I hope it helps you in reading this and that you may relate or get something that you can use in your life.
My husband was to go to university in England this month. He is not going because our financing plan fell through and we do not have enough in savings to make it through a year there even if he goes by himself for the first while. This has been stressful to him, and in turn, stressful for me.
I haven't had much panic - yet - but I am sure it will rear its ugly head at some point. I can say that the paper bag has taken on a new form of feeling: oppression. I feel oppressed by all this stress that is being directed at me. While I am sure it is not intended to be directed at me, I feel it nonetheless. I feel it everyday with the constant complaining, the freak outs, the anger, the sadness, the feelings of bereftness that my husband takes on. I try to be positive and indeed, I have been. But there is only so much a person can take. The paper bag is heavy on my shoulders and I do not wish to bear this burden any longer.
I have been thinking a lot lately. More than I usually do and for me, that is A LOT of thinking. I need to write as it helps me to sort through my thoughts and so here I am posting again after a long while. Through all of this, there is one thing that I am not happy with about myself: I have neglected myself - almost completely - and I am sorry for it. I think this is why I am feeling the way I am: oppressed, sad, wanting to run away from everyone and everything, dissatisfied with work and my relationships. I do not like to feel this way - AT ALL. But I guess we must all have the bad with the good as it does give us life experience.
I stayed home today as I had - and still have a little still - the worst tension headache I have ever had. I have taken over the amount of ibuprofen listed on the bottle for the last 24 hours and it has done little to cure me of my pain. I need to let go of whatever I have got hanging on to me and this paper bag is wetter and heavier than ever.
Expect more from me in the coming months. I need to work through these thoughts of mine and the thoughts I have now are radical and almost scare me.
My husband was to go to university in England this month. He is not going because our financing plan fell through and we do not have enough in savings to make it through a year there even if he goes by himself for the first while. This has been stressful to him, and in turn, stressful for me.
I haven't had much panic - yet - but I am sure it will rear its ugly head at some point. I can say that the paper bag has taken on a new form of feeling: oppression. I feel oppressed by all this stress that is being directed at me. While I am sure it is not intended to be directed at me, I feel it nonetheless. I feel it everyday with the constant complaining, the freak outs, the anger, the sadness, the feelings of bereftness that my husband takes on. I try to be positive and indeed, I have been. But there is only so much a person can take. The paper bag is heavy on my shoulders and I do not wish to bear this burden any longer.
I have been thinking a lot lately. More than I usually do and for me, that is A LOT of thinking. I need to write as it helps me to sort through my thoughts and so here I am posting again after a long while. Through all of this, there is one thing that I am not happy with about myself: I have neglected myself - almost completely - and I am sorry for it. I think this is why I am feeling the way I am: oppressed, sad, wanting to run away from everyone and everything, dissatisfied with work and my relationships. I do not like to feel this way - AT ALL. But I guess we must all have the bad with the good as it does give us life experience.
I stayed home today as I had - and still have a little still - the worst tension headache I have ever had. I have taken over the amount of ibuprofen listed on the bottle for the last 24 hours and it has done little to cure me of my pain. I need to let go of whatever I have got hanging on to me and this paper bag is wetter and heavier than ever.
Expect more from me in the coming months. I need to work through these thoughts of mine and the thoughts I have now are radical and almost scare me.
