Why reading magazines can give you hypochondria

So the other evening, I’m sitting by the fire reading a popular Canadian women’s magazine. I’m drinking my “feeling calm” herbal tea and the cat is curled up at my feet. I’m turning the pages slowly, one at a time. Reading about a TV star and then about some fashion and what’s new for fall and what keeps us warm on these chilly days now upon us.

I turn another page and then it begins – the dreaded health article. The battle to stop myself from thinking that I have the health issue I’m reading about it epic. I read about two women who suffered strokes at a young age; what they went through to get noticed by their doctors who thought nothing was wrong with them since they were so young – mid to late thirties. My age! I re-read their symptoms over and over thinking back to when I had my last blasting headache; when I felt dizzy; when I felt ill or had blurred vision.

My heart starts to pound. I start to sweat a little bit. I glance at the fire wondering if turned it up too high or am I starting to have stroke? I take my pulse. It’s in the normal range. I don’t feel dizzy or have blurred vision. I look into my tea cup at the amber liquid looking back up at me. I can see the lights above the chair reflecting in it.

I stop myself; my mind from racing away with its ten million thoughts on how when I stand up I’ll collapse in a heap on the floor and the cat will do nothing to alarm my husband and I’ll lay there my life slowly ebbing away with every slowed heart beat.

As I said, I stop myself from letting my mind run away with itself. I tell myself not to be so stupid and to put that annoying magazine down. I push it into the middle of the coffee table and decide to put it into the pile I give to my mother. I get up and walk away from it and go to warm up my tea and then to bed. I promptly forgot about the article until the next day when my mother did come to visit and I hand her the pile of magazines.

Good riddance! Now time to pull myself back together piece by piece and keep punching away at this wet paper bag.

Fear and loathing in broad daylight

Ever had a panic attack walking down the street in broad daylight? No? Let me elaborate. It feels like you are walking on air – almost – and then you feel like you’re going to drop, trip or pass out. Usually, one or both of your eyes starts to blur and you start to breathe very quickly. Then hyperventilate. Your hands and arms go numb (from the hyperventilating) and you start to shake.

Meanwhile you’re thinking how can I act as normal as possible without looking like an idiot? You become self conscious and your eyes dart around like a wild animal being closed in on by hunters. The clip clopping of my shoes echo in my ears; I keep walking, walking, walking. There’s really nothing else I can do. What I really want to do is stop someone and ask them to drive me to the hospital.

What’s really awful about this whole episode, as well as the all the others I’ve gone through? I know deep down inside there is NOTHING wrong with me. It’s all psychological. Or is it......

I went to the hospital last year the day before Christmas Eve having what I thought was a heart attack. I had terrible pain in my chest, neck and left arm. I couldn’t breathe well. So, off to emergency I go and get all these tests done to find out..... NOTHING IS WRONG!

The doctor was kind and showed me my ECG graph and said, “See this? This tells me your heart is perfect. So what you had was a panic attack. Don’t let anyone tell you they aren’t real, ok? Just get some help to work through them.” Then he gave me a prescription for Ativan.

So there I am, feeling like a bit of a dumbass. I went home and went to bed. I was tired. Oh, that’s another thing about panic attacks – they drain your energy so much you feel like you could collapse afterwards.

Nothing like feeling you’re fighting your way out of a wet paper bag and the bag is winning.