In-laws – STAY AWAY! They cause anxiety

I have an in-law. This person shall remain nameless, because they know who they are. I can’t stand this person. This person is the only in-law I have that I swear I could just hit over the head with a blunt instrument and not even blink. I like all my other in-laws.

I’ve learned to just stay away from this person, but there are times when I have to come into contact with them and just talking to this person turns my stomach.  Take last Christmas – if they sold industrial strength Prozac (you know, a gallon size bottle that I could secretly pour into a flask that hid on the inside jacket pocket) I would buy it!

I’ve learned to control how I feel, but sometimes, when I’m low, I have to stay away or my anxiety builds. Take tonight for instance, they called and I avoided answering the phone. Before, I would feel guilty about doing this, but now? No – not at all.

So today, I’ve won my first battle with the paper bag and I feel proud as punch! It’s starting to happen. I’m actually winning and I'm quickly learning how.

Grandfathers and pies

Ugh! I just ate two pieces of pumpkin pie – one right after the other. So good, but I will pay later with some sort of ailment. I’m washing it all down with a glass of milk. I’m sure in some alternate world that this is all ok and that milk will make it all better. Although my tummy is gurgling like crazy.

So I’m sure you are wondering why the title. Well, one week and 29 years ago today my grandfather passed away. My grandmother mentioned it to me last week and I’ve been thinking about him all this last week. She told me that I went to visit him in the hospital the day he passed and that shortly after I left he went. I’ve wracked my brain to think of that day. To conjure up the memory, but sadly, I cannot. It bothers me. I remember every other time I had with him – and I spent a lot of time with him before he died, but I cannot remember that hospital visit.

I did not go to the funeral. My mother did not take me. I wish she did. As morose as it sounds, I would have liked to have had that memory. I miss him a lot. A lot.

So, again, you are probably wondering why this is all swirling around in my head; especially in a blog about anxiety and panic. Well, I’ll tell you because it made me realize something.

Shortly after my grandfather died, I went to visit my father. About a week before I came home, my grandmother came down and we all drove back together. Along for the ride with us was my grandmother’s best friend. We dropped her off and we had a day’s drive ahead of us to get home.

The morning we left I had a shower and I was in the bathroom combing out my hair and I started to think that I did not want to go home; that I wished my parents hadn’t divorced; that I wished I could be with my dad for more time. I got really worked up. I started to shake and then I became afraid and I started to cry. I must have been talking out loud because my grandmother opened the door and started to lecture me and my dad rushed in and told her to leave us alone. He hugged me and told me that he loved me and that everything would be ok.

That was my first panic attack. My first experience with anxiety. I did not like it. Not one bit. I’ve suffered with this malady ever since and I’m tired of suffering with it.

That day 29 years ago, the wet paper bag came into my life. I experienced it for the first time in that bathroom. It has grown up with me; been with me like a family member – one of the one’s you don’t like, but tolerate because you have to.

Well, I’ve discovered you don’t have to tolerate it – them – whatever or whoever. It’s time for the paper bag to be gone. I am divorcing you, breaking up with you, whatever you want to call it. Proceedings start today. Be prepared, because you will be served with notice to leave my life.

The big, red, shiny panic button

I have a panic button. It's big and red and shiny. It looks like a very yummy piece of candy to my brain's eye. I think that my muscles trick my brain into thinking that this panic button really is a piece of candy. Candy that tastes so good that you'll want for more. In reality, it's a trick. A trick that is played on my brain to tell it to hit that panic button thinking that it's going to recieve something so mouthwatering it doesn't know what it's missing. My back muscles are especially in on the trick. They twitch and turn and ache and it makes my brain hit the red panic button. When it hits the button, it gets nothing. Nothing but a big panic attack that turns me into a deer in the headlights. A cornered cat. A wild bucking pony. I'm willing to do anything to save myself from the fear that I'm experiencing. It makes my brain turn from thinking it's receiving candy into thinking I'm suffering from a heart attack.

Today, I think the paper bag has friends. They're doubling up and making sure they're good and soaked so that it's harder to fight out of the bag. One day bag, the last laugh I have will be on you.

Can you be excited and scared at the same time?

I am extremely excited!! I will be going to Europe in October for the first time ever! I am also dreading the plane ride over. I don't like to fly as you can tell by my previous posting about flying to Las Vegas and home from New Orleans. I don't know how I will handle a nine and a half hour flight.

I started thinking about it the other night before I went to bed. Bad time to think about things. I always get bad anxiety before bed time. So to couple it with feeling scared about flying to Europe was not good.

I tried to calm myself by reading. I also tried to reason with myself that flying is very safe. My husband went last year and said the flight was smoother than the Vegas flight. So what is making me scared? It could be a number of things. Which I am sure all you anxiety sufferers out there know what they are so I will spare my readers 'the list'.

Still, I think that my excitedness has won over the fear. We'll see if that changes any time soon. Onward and upward! Out of this bag!

Anger perpetuates anxiety

Yesterday, I had an incident at work where someone tried to make me look bad – behind my back. Little did they know that the email they sent to someone got forwarded to me. I was so angry I was shaking. I emailed my director immediately the string of emails and said I was not happy. My director agreed with me and contacted the originator of the email and gave them what for.

After calming down, I didn’t feel very well. On my bus ride home, I started to shake again, but this was in reaction to the panic that I was feeling at the time. I guess I have to control my anger in order to stop the panic. Or maybe my body recognized the shaking from the anger and it brought on a panic attack. Either way I really felt like I was in the wet paper bag and honestly, at that point, I was so angry, I played out a fight scene in my mind.

It was me and the bag, one on one. Duelling it out. I managed to subdue it yesterday, but it got away from me and I am waiting for it to rise again. But this time, I think I’m ready.

Helicopter crashes, murder and me

Today I found out that my grade ten teacher was murdered by one of her students. Tragic.  I started to panic when I heard about it. I thought I would be next. I have no idea why. This news came on the heels of a friend of mine from university who died in a helicopter crash as the pilot leaving behind two beautiful daughters.

I then went to catch the bus home from work and started to be really scared about that guy I last wrote about that sat beside me on the bus drunk and threatening another guy who accidentally bumped into him. I got scared he might be on the bus again, that he might pull a knife and stab someone; stab me.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away and go back and hide in my office. I thought to myself that these things come in threes and that someone I knew would die or that it might be me.

I forced myself on the bus. Forced myself to sit and just let the music I was listening to calm me down. I watched the door intently every time someone got on. I made sure I was ready to get up and get off if that guy came on the bus again.

I was letting all kinds of scenarios swirl through my head. What would I do if the guy got on the bus; what would I do if he tried to attack someone or me; what I would do if the bus crashed. Crazy! I wanted nothing more than to just get home safely and into a cocoon. Then, when I was nearly home, I thought that I can’t let these thoughts overtake me. I stopped and pulled myself together mentally.

Today, I’m not going to let this paper bag win. I’m tired, yes. Hell, I’m crazy enough to go to war with the bag. Go all commando on it (military style not panty-less). I read something tonight that made me turn my thoughts around: “You don’t have to be brilliant at everything. You just have to have the courage to put yourself in the line of fire.”

Ok. So I have to be courageous enough to just let the feelings wash over me. Be courageous enough to take it. I have to be courageous enough to fight this paper bag and break out of it. I just have to do it.

My everyday surroundings

So I was riding the bus home yesterday after work and this drunk man sat down beside me. Another man bumped into him by accident and said sorry, but I don’t think the drunk man heard him apologize since his music was really loud because I could hear it even with my earphones in. After chowing down on some popcorn and beers (yes, beers on the bus), he proceeded to threaten the man out loud and making shooting motions with his hands at the man. It was out loud and nobody said anything to him.

He was dirty, threatening and no one (including me) didn’t do anything about it. I prayed he would get off the bus before I did. Nope. He wouldn’t even stand up when I asked him to move when it came time for me to get off. He just moved his knees slightly and gave me a stupid smile, then watched as I uncomfortably tried to push past him. What a jerk!

I got home and was really angry. So angry in fact that I started to shake as I told my husband what had happened. The shaking triggered me into a full panic attack. Not a nice end to my day.

I really felt like I had my attacks under control and all it took was some loser to trigger them back into effect. Maybe this paper bag is a little tougher than I thought. New strategy needed on how to break through the paper.